Assuming it is true, what is the biggest news headline ever you can imagine? By biggest, I mean the news being reported is at a monumental level that the human world has never seen before… at least not since the advent of news headlines. (Of course, one caveat is that there has to be people left here to read it.)
How would the headline be phrased?
I have pondered this for decades. Not for decades straight, of course. I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on, too. But I’ve pondered it here and there for decades, sometimes with friends, sometimes with family, but usually alone while I am supposed to be balancing my checkbook or the like.
That's pretty big news indeed. But not big enough. Plus it has to be true.
Pondering the question leads to a lot of insight about humanity’s hopes and fears, it puts a lot of things into perspective and helps to keep us humble, and it’s much more enjoyable than balancing my checkbook.
For this week at least, what I have finally landed on as the biggest possible news headline ever is: GOD PROVES SHE EXISTS.
First of all, I didn’t throw the “She” in there to be politically correct. I just think it would make that utterly monumental news headline that much more monumental if God literally showed a face and it was a woman’s face, and/or addressed the people of the world and did so with a woman’s voice. It’d be truly wonderful if that face and voice were Gwen Stefani’s, but I’m heading into a more personal territory with that idea…
But what could be more monumental than GOD PROVES SHE EXISTS fronting your newspaper & leading all the online news sites? I can create an entire novel providing the details behind that headline, of course:
How did God prove she exists? Did Her voice ring down to all corners of the world and simply say so? Did She dance atop the moon and then leap down to the top of Mount Everest and then over to the Stratosphere in Las Vegas to make Her point? Did She whisper into all of our ears simultaneously like a holy iPod? I don’t know. The details would of course be fascinating – and the repercussions far more so – but those details are not what this piece is about.
The point is, I don’t think any other news headline could have a more stupendous, more powerfully transformative impact on humanity than that one … or it’s opposite, 100% PROOF THAT GOD DOESN’T EXIST.
(Again, I am not including HUMANS EXIST NO MORE or some variant thereof, because there have to be some people left to read the headline. At least enough to keep the newspapers in business.)
I have landed on other biggest-ever-headline-candidates in the past, though. DINOSAURS ARE BACK... WITH A VENGEANCE was a favorite from my youth, and so Michael Crichton wrote a book about it and Steven Spielberg directed several movies about it. It would be quite massive news as news goes, but not on par with the God headline.
BRIAN VASZILY DISCOVERS THE ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING and variations thereof have been a personal favorite when I’m in a certain mood, but I get over it quickly.
Perhaps a close second to the God headline would be WE ARE NOT ALONE, meaning life is proven to exist elsewhere in the universe. A notch above that even: INTELLIGENT LIFE FOUND ON OTHER PLANETS. While that might unify humanity in a way we’ve never been unified before – “them” would take on a whole new meaning, after all, since “us” would feel a whole lot smaller in the scheme of things – I still don’t think the proven existence of sophisticated life elsewhere in the universe would be on par with the scientifically proven existence (or proven lack of existence) of God.
Now that's really big news, especially to those living near the discovery. But still not big enough for the biggest ever title.
So what do you think the biggest true news headline ever would be?
Do you agree with the God headline? Edge more toward the aliens? Have better variations on either?
Or is there some catastrophic news instead that could be so monumental without decimating the human species that its headline trumps God’s or the aliens’?
Or could it be a certain headline about Paris Hilton or Brittney Spears that beats them all?
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